Once, in the midst of a class at Isralight, I noticed a student's eyes begin to water. We were having a discussion about identity, and how we tap in to who we really are. In tears, he explained how he had arrived at Isralight in Jerusalem. He had been a concert violinist with enormous potential, until in a tragic freak accident; he got his hand caught in a car door. After all the hospital care and operations, his hand was left partially paralyzed, and his career in music was over. And he realized, with panic, that he had no idea who he was any more. Whenever anyone would ask 'what do you do?' his response had always been: 'I'm a violinist'. But that was no longer true. So who was he?

If Michael Jordan stops playing basketball, then who is he? Is what I do really who I am? And if that's all there is to it, then what happens when I can't 'do it' any more?

There is a fascinating exchange in this week's Torah portion, Toldot which addresses this very issue.

Yitzchak (Isaac) wants to bless his son, Esau, the elder of twins, before he dies. Rivkah, his wife, overhearing Yitzchak's request to Esau, tells Yaakov, the younger son, to disguise himself as Esau, in order to fool blind old Yitzchak into giving him the blessing instead.

What a wonderful story! A blind, old man who can be fooled into not recognizing his own son, a wife who co- opts her son to fool her husband behind his back, two sons who obviously cannot get along to the extent that one has to trick the other out of being blessed, and two parents who each favor one son over the other!

Are these the role models Judaism presents us with? And bear in mind that this story is the beginning of the birth of the Jewish people, which is meant to be an ethical role model for the world...

Yaakov, at the urging of his mother, comes to Yitzchak and says "My father", to which Yitzchak responds: "here I am; who are you, my son?'

Yaakov then responds: (Genesis 27: 18-19) "I am Esav, your first born", ("Anochi Esav Bechorachah")

What a strange conversation! How could Yitzchak not recognize his son's voice?

Imagine calling your father on the phone, asking him to guess who it is, only to realize he doesn't recognize who you are! How painful those three words must have been for Yaakov.

And Yaakov's response is not much better: 'I am Esav your first born'. A blatant lie, issued simply to attain the blessings. This is Yaakov? This is the father of the Jewish people who incidentally is associated with truth?

Rashi, the famous commentary on the Torah, is so bothered by the prospect of Yaakov's outrageous lie, that he tries to soften it, suggesting that Yaakov really meant 'I am me, Yaakov, comma, and Esav is your first-born.' (In other words, I am really Yaakov, and Esav, he is your first-born.)

Perhaps Rashi is suggesting that Yaakov's choice of language is due to his tremendous discomfort with the prospect of lying to his own father. (It is difficult to imagine Rashi is suggesting Yaakov was not lying; after all, the continuation of the verse 'I have done as you asked' is an absolute falsehood, and not addressed at all by Rashi.)

So what is going on here? How can Yaakov lie to his own father?

The key to this puzzle may be the word "Anochi", (I am), which appears here, though it is found very infrequently in the Torah.

This is the same word Cain first uses when responding to G-d (after killing Abel).

"Hashomer achi Anochi", "Am I my brother's keeper?" (Genesis 4:9)

And it is the same word G-d uses at the beginning of the Ten Commandments. "Anochi"- "I am G-d..." (Exodus 20:2)

Interestingly, it is found in our portion not once, but twice.

Rivkah, finally pregnant after all these years, senses something is strange. Apparently the twins she is carrying in her womb were kicking to such a degree that she sensed something was wrong.

Her statement, though, bears closer scrutiny:

"VaTomer Im Ken lama zeh Anochi" "If so, why am I?" (25:22)

Subsequently, G-d communicates to her that there are actually two nations in her belly, and they will engage in a struggle of historical proportions, with the younger ultimately the victor.

Strangely, this somehow comforts Rivkah! Would you be comforted by the knowledge that you are carrying two children destined to be at war with each other?

There is a fascinating Midrash (rabbinic allegorical message) that sheds light on this story. The Midrash suggests that every time Rivkah walked by a house of Torah study, Yaakov began to kick, and every time she walked by a house of pagan idolatry, Esav began to kick. Rivkah, not realizing she carried two babies, began to wonder who this baby really was and where this was coming from. 'Who am I' that my seed desires all this?' The word Anochi reflects the question: 'Really, who am I?' Is my future in monotheistic ethics, or am I really a product of the pagan world I come from?

Perhaps this was Yaakov's challenge. Yitzchak, in responding to Yaakov, says 'Hineni'; the same word Abraham uses when faced with G-d's request to bind Isaac, and the same word Moses uses when answering the call to go back down to Egypt as G-d's messenger, to set the Jewish people free.

Hineni: Here I am; a word that suggests I know exactly who I am, why I am here, and most importantly, what I have to give to the world. Perhaps Yitzchak is confronting Yaakov:' I know who I am, but do you know who you are?'

Imagine the challenge this story represents for Yaakov! Even assuming that for whatever the reason Yaakov needs to receive the blessing, and that part of G-d's plan is that he has to learn how to incorporate a little bit of Esav into his life (acquiring the blessing through some form of trickery), Yaakov must, at this point be wondering 'who am I?'

Am I Yaakov, paragon of truth and virtue, a dweller of tents and role model of ethics; or am I Esav, willing to deceive my own father in order to achieve what is necessary?

In order to entertain the possibility of disguising himself as Esav, Yaakov must be really confident that he knows who Yaakov really is. Otherwise, the disguise might end up becoming more of a reality than was intended.

This is the challenge of Anochi. If Cain could kill his own brother, then what does that mean about who he really is? And perhaps this is what G-d is saying at the beginning of the Ten Commandments. Before you develop a relationship with Me, says G-d, you have to know who you are. Because the first place to look for G-d is deep inside ourselves.

This is such an important idea. So many people are spending so much energy looking to 'find the right person'. But before I can find the right person, I need to become the person that that other person is looking for; I need to find myself. If I don't know who I am, how can I expect someone to be looking for me? Who are they looking for?

And this is true of every encounter we experience in this world. In order to develop relationships with anyone in this world, I have to know who I am. If love is all about giving, I can't give something unless I know I have it. So I need to know what I have to give. Which is the essence of discovering who I am.

Here, at the beginning of the birth of the Jewish nation, the Torah challenges us with deciding who we really are. And how the events that shape our lives affect who we really want to be.

I recall once, at a singles weekend, suggesting that every one introduce themselves to each other without anyone asking or responding to the question 'what do you do?' For the longest moment there was complete silence in the entire hall!

This week's Torah portion challenges us to decide if we are more than what we do.

What we do, in the end, is only a part of who we are, and more valuable than figuring out what is part of me, is to decide whether and what I am a part of. This was precisely Yaakov's challenge.

Shabbat Shalom,

Binny Freedman

PS: Those interested in a little more, might take a look at Genesis 43:9, and see how that statement is perceived, in light of the ideas mentioned above.

Also, for a masterful discussion on this topic, See Rabbi Aaron's book Endless Light (Chapter 7 "Me, Myself, and I , pg. 99).
Makes for an amazing Shabbat table discussion on this topic!